I’ve reached a point where my confusion over M is no longer actually relevant. Everything’s been covered once or twice or three times, to the point where I feel annoyed at myself for writing anything down… And it’s annoying what friends I have left.
I remember this from my childhood. I’d get upset about something… and because I can’t hide anything, I’d let everyone know. And got labeled a whiner… Even by my friends. I quickly figured out that if I wanted to have friends, I needed to not complain. Everyone liked happy Mike.
Tumblr has given me an outlet in a place where bitching and complaining is almost the default, and yet still I feel like I’m doing it too much. It’s not helping me.
I’m betraying the person I love most on a daily basis.
I’m hurt and confused every. Single. Day. by others who I am giving power over me.
I’m an only child. I expect the world to come to me, and it’s being reluctant.
To cut this short, I doubt I will be updating or checking tumblr much anymore, if at all. I’m not deleting… I’m not ashamed of what’s on here. It all means something to me… But I don’t think I can continue.
I reached a high of 45 followers… Which isn’t much by tumblr standards, but I’m pretty sure at least half of you are actual human beings… And since all I do is bitch, this is pretty amazing.
I’ve met some people on here who are extremely interesting, kind, understanding and in some cases patient… :P Several times, you guys reached out to me when I was at my most squashed and cheered me the fuck up, or at least allowed me to vent. I hope I was able to return the favour.
fluffivulvarine, 3f3mm3ral, notnumbersix, somethingsluttythiswaycums, browneyedgummibear… All of you are beautiful people and I appreciate the chance to talk/play/exchange insults with you that tumblr provided. I’m grateful for your attention. :)
Some of you already made the transition from ‘tumblr friend’ to ‘phone friend’ and I’d love to chat with all of you through a medium that actually allows for proper back and forth conversations, rather than the electronic equivalent of messages in a bottle.
This is an open invite for any of my followers to find me on whatsapp instead. Just message me for the #. I’m probably just as annoying in any medium, but I can promise two things:
One, I will listen and respond to the best of my ability… And two, no dick pics**.
(Saddles horse, rides into sunset)
**certain exceptions apply.
2-1 copa mundial
Argentina wins their first game and I get sex chat from the southern hemisphere.
Mindless self-indulgence (for anyone, really)
really I am…
Until a bolt of that gnawing, gnashing unease hits
out of the blue, triggered by whatever he said…Whatever was on your screen…
whatever I thought.
because behind my happiness my mind keeps working… making connections, drawing little lines in transparent ink. I see shit. And then sometimes it happens.
Then until I can go to ground, It runs through me… every nerve raw and sizzling from the current of my conviction that I’m being ignored… Passed over… That I am not special to you.
Ok the flirting is getting a little dangerous…but sooo much fun. And she’s still 9000km away and a GREAT distraction from M.
Yes I’m frantically justifying this.
Because I WANT these goodnight messages on my phone in that smoky accent.
I want her to keep telling me these impossible things.
17 year age gap? Of course she says it’s great.
At least I’m getting some Spanish out of the deal?
The way this is going, I’m at least going to know all the dirty words.
'ye like dags?'
'Dogs? Yeah I like “dogs”.
jealousy seems to be a thing for me again.
M is flirting left and right at work. The sexy texting guy… and now this other guy (who is leaving this week). They had a thing on friday which I watched develop right in front of my fucking eyes… This is why boys write bad poetry.
But as usual, just as I was writing things off in my head for the 100th time, friendship intervened. I had a 4:30 meeting with M to go over some next week issues… We finished with 15 minutes to go, and she asked me to stay and talk at her desk. We ended up talking for 45 minutes straight, while the office stood up, drank, talked and left for the weekend around us…